Allowing a space for you to be judged
In some form or other, I've kept a diary (or I should say "journal" so that I don't "feel like a girl") for almost my entire life. Back in 2004, I started my first ever online version with a free blogspot account. I called it "The Flamm."
It no longer exists.
Since then I've struggled with writing too much personal stuff online and it's gotten me into trouble a few times. Once, even, at work. But, mostly with my partner and her parents. To me, being transparent or oversharing isn't a big deal, but I can see why it is for others.
I do my best now to not write about other people or write things that will get me into trouble. Truthfully, though, this has been really difficult. I avoid writing sometimes because I don't trust that the words I put into the digital world won't be used against me somehow.
It's a shame that I have this internal struggle. I'd like to just be able to write freely, without restraint, but I can't.
Many times I've considered quitting all together and just sticking to my pen and paper (yes, I also keep journals the OLD way). But, there's something lost in that. One, I type pretty quickly - but, in writing by hand, my brain struggles to keep up... er slow down. Secondly, after writing for just a few minutes by hand, it starts to hurt. However, I'm able to type all day long.
Besides the physical benefits there is something to being able to keep typing at the speed at which the words are coming to you and, for me at least, it tends to help me deliver my purest thoughts.
There is also a notion, in my mind, that things on the internet or typed up digitally hold more weight than the words I put into a notebook. My notebook is seen by no one. Except the few times a family member thought it'd be great to know what I was thinking. Just like reading your S.O.'s texts, that's a terrible idea. Besides the accountability of "people close to me" there is an inherent accountability of putting stuff out there that anyone can find.
I want people to be able to relate to me. I want them to learn from me. Just like, when I read others blogs or journals, I want to learn something from them. In school, I never stepped onto a stage because I was scared of being judged. As an adult, I've been on countless stages. This is the writer's stage. A blog is a space where judgement will occur, but you have to be okay with it.
If I don't write, I won't be judged and, honestly, I need that judgement. At least judging is some form of caring. Like most people, I want to know that others care. Or at least believe in a perception that others care. They don't have to like me. But, if they stumble upon this, I hope they get something from it.
Because it's the only way, right now, that I feel like I contribute to the world.